Dear President Bush

I hope this letter finds you well.

Actually, I hope this letter finds you, period. I understand that you do not read newspapers, and that you are refusing to listen to bad news. If you were still a spoiled rich kid down in Texas, I guess it would be okay for you to wall yourself off from the rest of the world, protected and insulated by the family fortune, but you are not in Texas any more, you are in MY White House, you are there to do a job, and a major part of that job is to deal with the bad news.

So, as a public service, and in the interests of the greater good, here is a list of what your closest friends and advisors aren't telling you. These are in no particular order. Have a pretzel and kick back; this may take a while.

1. There were no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. I hate to be the one to tell you this, but there weren't any. That Israeli spy in the Pentagon Office of Special Plans played you for a dumb midwestern hick. He suckered you GOOD! Made a total rube outa y'all! Wanna buy a bridge?

2. According to the latest Gallup poll, half of America knows you lied about Saddam's weapons of mass destruction.

3. The word is "nuclear", not "nookular". Sound it out letter by letter, "new - clear". The reason we all doubted your claims about Saddam's nuclear weapons right from the start is that you can't even pronounce the word correctly. Yes, I know Eisenhower said it that way; he was wrong too.

4. It's "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me." Have the guy with the mic feeding your earpiece write it down. You are embarrassing the nation.

5. Osama bin Laden is dead. He died in December 2001 of Kidney failure. You know it, we know it, so quit trying to pretend he's still a problem. It's insulting.

6. Saddam was not aiding Al Qaeda. They were enemies.

7. "Al Qaeda" is a Mossad front. Reference comment about bridge for sale above.

8. Iraq had nothing to do with 9-11. Quit implying they did.

9. Your poll numbers are plummeting. Figured you needed to know that.

10. Support for your war is plummeting. Figured you needed to know that, too.

11. This one is a biggie. Contrary to what your employees are telling you, you did NOT fool anyone about 9-11 being a surprise. 288 million Americans saw you sitting there reading about goats. 288 million Americans saw every single member of the United States Secret Service Protective Detail LET you sit there reading about goats. 288 million Americans know that at the time you were sitting there reading about goats, airplanes were flying across the nation crashing into buildings. 288 million Americans know that your presence at Booker School had been in the media three days ahead of time. 288 million Americans know there was an airport just four miles away from Booker School. 288 million Americans, knowing all these facts, watched both you and the entire to-a-man United States Secret Service Protective Detail act as if there wasn't a doubt in the world that you were perfectly safe sitting there waiting for your speech. Your spin-doctors still haven't figured out a reply to that one.

11a. Bragging that you actually SAW the first impact didn't help your credibility since no video of that first impact surfaced until hours after the towers collapsed.

12. Contrary to what you have been told by your underlings, Saddam could not have been all that bad a ruler of Iraq, or the Iraqi people would have been giving him the same shit storm they are giving the US occupation.

13. The dollar is falling. Your rich friends took those nice tax cuts you gave them and instead of using the extra cash to kick off new companies they started moving the cash off-shore. That doesn't look too good. Especially when they get yet another tax break for sending US jobs overseas as well.

14. We know you cheated. Following the revolution, you will write one thousand times on the blackboard, "I will not steal elections."

15. Your staffers probably haven't mentioned, it, but in that letter you sent to Congress kicking off the Iraq war? You made a couple statements in there that were less than true. Lying to Congress is illegal. So is lying to the people. You have read the Constitution, right?

Source: What Really Happened

See Also: Worst President Ever? by Stephen Pizzo